I started a new job in the middle of October, and with doing so I decided it was the perfect time to adopt a new routine at the gym. This was a great plan because for two and a half months I went to the gym 6 days a week. Six effing days — never missing a beat. Staying there for at least 90 minutes each time.
And in that time I was counting calories. Actually measuring out my food, and recording my calories on MFP, which is not something I like to do. Ohhhhhh and in that time I wasn’t drinking. I was staying in on the weekends, and starring at the wall. Not really but not drinking can be pretty boring sometimes.
And if at this point in the story you are thinking ‘wowwwww I really need to get my act together and start working out so I can be as awesome as Nadine and start losing weight too’– don’t think that way, because you would be wrong. I lost zero pounds. Zero! None! Nothing! Notta! And it’s not like I am skin and bones, I have weight to lose. I have weighed less than I do now!
Yes, it’s so awesome that I didn’t gain weight. I made it through Christmas, eating cookies, and I didn’t gain weight. I maintained. Cool. But that’s not what I wanted. When you are putting in that much effort, you want something. You deserve something. I am being healthy. I don’t starve myself. I don’t use diet pills. I drink all the water. I am active. Like why? Whyyyyy doesn’t my body do anything? I don’t even try to understand anymore.
And the worst part is that I burned out. Committing to the gym for so long has made me burn out. In the last two weeks I have barely wanted to go. Last week I went once! I mean I was sick, but still. I am just done killing myself. During that two and a half months I felt chained to the gym. And I wasn’t enjoying the food I ate. I felt so defeated. There is no worse feeling than working really effing hard and seeing no results.
Now I know I preach all about working out for other reasons than just weight loss. And I do believe that. I do believe in being active for your health. And this week I am getting myself back to the gym. Doing things I enjoy.
At this point in my life I need to work on self-acceptance. Self-love. Because even after 3 years on this healthy journey I still get wrapped up with the number on the scale. I get caught up in hating my body. Comparing myself to others. Thinking that guys won’t like me. If only I were skinnier, maybe I wouldn’t still be single. It’s ridiculous. It’s ugly. It’s hard. It’s emotionally draining. And it makes your mind go to dark, dark places.
I wish I had a great way to wrap up this bitter rant, but I don’t. Weight loss is not all sunshine and rainbows. It’s hard not to completely hate those people who make it look easy.
I guess all I really want to say is that you are not alone. If you considered skipping dinner last night because you are so fed up with tight pants, you are not alone. If you want to cry because you feel you have no options left, I will hand you a tissue. And if you want to punch allllll the people who don’t struggle with weight loss, well I would be there to back you up!